Wednesday, December 16, 2009

hello, blogworld.

Though I really should be working on gathering information for my in class history final tomorrow, i felt like this is a pretty important time in my life and should be somewhat documented. Tomorrow is the last day (as long as my grades keep up, knock on wood) that I'll have to step into a classroom. College, for me, and for now at the very least, is over tomorrow. Stereotypically a time for self-discovery and rejuvenation of your mind, I feel I've gained a lot through the past few years here in San Diego. Friendships have come and gone, time has flown by, and the average on my accounting finals have been somewhere in the 30% range. (Not mine personally, but for the class. I did a really good job of picking an obscenely difficult major). One thing is for sure, I've really grown into myself. Even in the past month so many things have changed about myself. Confidence, excitement for life, and the knowledge of what i deserve and will one day have have all increased exponentially. I love my friends here in San Diego, and absolutely plan on making visits here in the near future, but if there is one thing I am certain about right now, it's that I'm very much excited to move on and find a new town to find my place in. At the moment, Ojai is looking like it will be my home for a bit, which is going to take some adjusting to. I am very excited, however, to get reacquainted with some long lost (and some not to lost) friends. I'm about to be loosed upon the job market, and even though this is not the best time economically for me to be shot out into the real world, I'm going out there knowing that I can succeed. I also know I may not be getting the job I want right away, obviously , but I am only 22 years old, which leaves me with many many more to get where I want to be.

One thing I do know though, is that in just a few weeks I've gone from being incredibly scared and clinging desperately to an ideal of what i wanted to have, to realizing that i was unbelievably delusional about what I thought i was heading for. I am in no state to be attached to anything to the point where it would hinder my ability to further myself and my career right now, and things like to fall into place nicely the second i let go :-) Trusting to just let go and let things go as they may is a huge struggle, but the more I accept it, the happier I've been. Maybe in a few more weeks it won't even require a second breathing. (I can hope, can't i?)

Friday, October 16, 2009


its a friday night. i'm in my apartment. i think debo broke my brain. i came back from that terrible terrible midterm today, ate dinner, and passed out til about an hour ago. unfortunately, my random friday midterm has prevented me from being able to go out of town with every single one of my friends who are normally my weekend people. le sigh. 'sokay though. i've been looking for a night for me to kick back and get some me-time reading done...although i say that as i'm watching ESPN. ha. awesome.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

oh yes, my blog, where i can vent to. how could i forget?

This has been one of the strangest, longest months of my life.

I'm almost done with school, ready to Graduate, and suddenly my motivation is just GONE. I'll get it back, I just need better practice getting back in the swing of it. I think I would be much more interested if I actually enjoyed the class...but this level of accounting is focused on things I never actually want to be a part of, and the professor tests you on things that are even more difficult than you find on the CPA exam, and I have absolutely no idea when that would be necessary to know. Whew. venting. ha.

Post graduation is stressing me out. The idea of starting out in a new town terrifies me. I know I can do it, but it doesn't mean it isn't a HUGE step. I think it'd be easier if I had ANY idea where that new place will be. I go where the work takes me.

Aside from school, things were going great...but now my family is going through probably one of the toughest times we've had. I'm constantly on edge, and every time my phone rings with a call from home I'm shaking I'm so nervous about what news I'll hear from the other end. This whole situation has made me really appreciate good people. The kind of people who ask questions and genuinely care about your answer. The kind of people who are actually excited when plans fall into place and you get to spend time together. The kind of people who don't mind sacrificing a little of themselves to be there for you. I've had a serious lack of that kind of friendship until recently, and I'm working so hard to be that kind of person myself. I want my friends and family to know that I care SO much about them, and I would do anything for them. There are also some new people in my life that I am so thankful for. They've shown me that it is possible to reunite and spend some time getting to know someone from square one, and watch that blossom into a genuine friendship, not based on the superficial, but based on real conversation. I miss that. I've had far too many deceitful people in my world that it's nice to see people that care about people for who they are.

It's weird to see how things in my life are changing and how rapidly that change is happening. Now it's time for me to actually buckle down and study (you know, that focus I was talking about earlier). But just so you know, if you happen to notice me texting calling or just talking to you more in general, its because you're one of the ones I've decided is worth fighting to keep in my life :-) (and if I'm not calling or texting, it doesn't mean you're not worth it, yikes)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

so far gone

I haven't blogged in a while, not because there was nothing to say but because I haven't found the means by which to say it. I live in a hostile environment, but this is no war zone. I have been sitting here struggling because one person who used to be such a big part of my life has completely frozen me out, and made it her mission to keep me unhappy.
One person.
Seriously, one person. I cannot say it enough times. The fact that one single person can make me feel so insignificant, like I don't deserve to be happy anymore, like I can't leave my room for fear that I will make her upset...this is unhealthy. And yet, its really all in my head. I have no reason to feel that way because deep within myself I know, with complete certainty, that I have not done anything wrong. I have handled myself with dignity and with kindness, and I have never done anything to cause this hostility. And yet, I complain. I feel so spoiled that the only thing I have to complain about is a petty person targeting me. This is nothing.
I'm struggling with kindness though. I want to just...not care. To smile at her anyway, to tell her hello and ask with sincerity how her day has been, because really, I want her to be happy. I'm not just saying that either. I see no reason for her not to be completely happy with her life, and to be kind herself. It just doesn't happen. I'm not sure why.
I struggle with kindness because my sense of justice is overwhelming. I want to let her tell me to never touch her things and to stay away from her friends and to never speak to her again, yet tell her to go ahead, be friends with whoever, yes, use my things if you need them, yes...let me help you and do your dishes since you're busy. I sincerely want to do that with a kind and happy heart and not feel this underlying resentment that no matter how much kindness is shown it will not be reciprocated. Its selfish to expect things from her...yet she expects everything from me. I want things to be equal, an eye for an eye, but at the same time I want to show her that I DO still sincerely care about her and I will do things for her to help her be happy.
My mind is being torn in two and stretched all over the place and I've talked myself in circles.
A few more weeks, and hopefully it will subside. However, any chance of reviving something that used to be fantastic will be gone. I don't know if I care to revive it at this point...yet I still want to try.

Monday, March 9, 2009

It's been a while

I would much rather reflect and spill out my thinking into this blog than do the homework problems I seem to be avoiding so well today. My life has calmed down considerably since I had those three midterms within hours of each other, which is very very nice. I got a chance to get out of SD on Friday and go to Disneyland with Crystal, which was undeniably fun for both of us.
Funny story about that trip...we were standing in line to go on Mr. Toad's, when a woman came up to us and asked us to do her a favor. We both assumed she'd be asking where the bathroom was or if we knew when the fireworks were, but noo, we were way off. She had gotten to the front of the line with her two ADORABLE kids when she was told she cannot take both of them and her baby in the same car, and they couldn't ride alone either. Apparently Crystal and I look like trustworthy and nice people, because she asked us to "adopt" her kids and take them on the ride with us. OF COURSE we said yes, because we love littles, and they warmed up to us SO fast. The girl, Brynn, would not let go of me. She kept playing with my hair and giving me moustaches and talking about how she LOVED the rocket ship ride. I still cannot get over how ridiculously cute she is. Crystal took her brother, Bailey. It was so fun to go on the ride with a kid and see things from their eyes. It's been too long since I got to see that sense of awe and wonder up close and personal. Sadly, they were heading home afterward so we had to say our (in brynn's case) tearful goodbyes.
Anyway, the day was completely random and fun and SO nice for a change. I love the days you go so long without drama, its refreshing.
The weekend went by insanely fast after that, and I am still suffering through adjusting to the time change. I woke up this morning feeling a little icky, and by the time my first class was out it took everything i had to get back home without falling over. I'm feeling much better now, but it was not such a fun way to start off the new school week.
Also, I've become a big fan of a new quotation for my life:
"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."-Denis Waitley
In years past, I've spent a lot of time dwelling on little annoyances and other things that are completely minute in comparison to the big picture. Honestly, the happiest times in my life are the ones where i forget about the anger, and forget about the annoyances, and leave all of my doubts behind. I am completely happy doing things for other people, and seeing the little things people do for me that they don't need to. Life is full of these little things that we take for granted, and I am sick of focusing on things that upset me. I am blessed in every facet of my life, and i have no reason to not be wholly and completely happy with myself.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

my life: a reimagining.

lately there has been a huge amount of stress in my life. none of it was necessary, but it was something that had to be dealt with. it was tough, left me pulling out my hair trying to find a solution to problems that i had absolutely no control over. then it hit me: i have absolutely no control over it. i need to do whatever it is i need to do to make myself happy, and do what IS within my control to help my friends along. because no matter how stressed out they make me i will always love them and therefore always ALWAYS be there for them to the best of my ability. The past two days have been blissful for my poor little brain. taking a step back from things has made me completely at peace. i'm getting along with everyone as far as i know, and i was even smiling in the middle of a lecture today. for no reason. just because i felt like smiling. i feel like its a good look for me. another big change in my life: i have all of these lovely friends in my life that i rarely see anymore. i need to reach out to them and go spend time reveling in just how awesome and funny and great they all are. so thats what i'm going to do. i'm going to go out and enjoy myself and not feel like i'm leaving someone out just because i'm getting to know someone new. aside from the insane amount of my life that must be dedicated to studying, i would love to quite the lazy attitude and just get out and get to know people...because i LOVE people, but i've gotten to where they intimidate me. thats not a place that an extrovert should be. this will change. soon.

Friday, February 20, 2009

this amused me...fill it out for yourself :)

If you've been tagged, tell everyone what your names would be!

1.YOUR REAL NAME: --Courtney Kresge
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)--Sue William
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)--Shelby George
4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)--Krecu
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)--Blue Manatee
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)--Denon Ojai
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)--The Silver Shirley Temple :)
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)--Cuge
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)--Cakebatter Chocolate Chip.
10.ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)--None Pontiac
11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)--Couizzle
12.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)--Black Oreo (whaat?)

Friday, February 13, 2009

why hello, world.

It's so nice to see you this late at night. It's been a while. Well, a week at least. I've just returned from the gym and have that awesome little workout high...I love it. However, because of that sleep seems to be in the distant future for me...Such is life.
This week started out being so painfully stressful, but just keeps getting better as it goes along. Ready for the recap? Thats what i thought.
Monday: woke up, and it was pouring. My parking pass happened to be in...not my car. So i got to walk to class in a downpour. I stepped off the curb straight into a puddle. Let me tell you, a 3 hour long accounting lecture is miserable enough, but add in a wet sock and it's straight torture. I spent the rest of that day studying like a crazy person for my midterm the following night.
Tuesday: Went to class, but didn't hear a single thing the professors were saying because I was nose deep in my accounting notes, stressing like crazy about the midterm at 7 that night. 7 came along, and I took the test, and did NOT feel good about it. In fact, I was beating myself up over the idea that I didn't study hard enough or something.
Wednesday: Actg prof told us that the class average on the midterm was 58%. Freaked me out. Came home to see my score posted online, and took a quadruple check. I definitely set the curve for the class. Not gonna lie, I can't even control how proud of myself I am. And I'm not trying to brag, I'm just excited. I haven't done that in much too long.
Thursday (todayyyy): Class went spectacularily smoothly. Pop quiz in marketing was simple, unlike last time. Had a few exciting moments, and was told how to get bonus points on the quiz I didn't do well on. Must figure out how to make myself not awkward haha. Came home, cleaned, napped, then...of all Thursdays--The Office and 30 Rock were on. Amazing. Then Gym, and it hurts so good.
Now I'm wired, and I blame crystal. :)
Oh, and tomorrow, Jimmie and Daniel are coming to visit. That keeps me pretty crazily happy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i have an affinity for cute little things.

It's an incurable feeling of utter joy that overwhelms me when something cute appears. I squeal. I giggle. I beg for one of my own. I think this may be the girliest thing about me. That or the fact that I have a disgustingly strong love for bows. (on my first attempt, i typed boys. ha, hello subconscious). Back to the issue: cute things. I want a bunny again. So much. I would love nothing more than to have a little bun bun hopping and flopping around my living room while I do homework, so that I can tell it it's a dork and have it shake it's little cotton ball tail at me in agreement...(Because we all know that all bunnies are dorks. They know it too.) This time, I will potty train her, and teach her to feed and clean herself...I'm so not cut out for the whole caring for the little cute thing thing. I'd be much better at just giving it endless affection and laughing at it while letting someone else do the dirty work. How sad is that?!
On a very different note, lately commercials have been stuck in my head endlessly. Because of GE I was singing the wizard of oz songs for about an hour yesterday. Right now=Heigh Ho. Thank you, tv, for making me want to watch movies from my childhood. :)
I'm looking forward to tomorrow, despite a three hour long lecture with my least favorite professor of all, it's just three hours.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

last night was a rough night

but i'm not exactly sure why. sometimes i just have those nights where I'm hard on myself. This morning came with a clearer view of actuality. It feels nice. I wish I could use the day to go out and just be happy and goof around, but I've got this killer midterm coming up on tuesday that I'm pretty sure will be excruciatingly painful. So I must prepare. Starting when I finish typing this. But first: here are the reasons the "real me" is stupid, and the actual way i live and think is so much better the 95% of the time it's present.
1-the misery thing, it happens. to everyone. frequently.
2-people SHOULD like me. I go out of my way for friends and will absolutely be there for them as well as i possibly can when they need me. I'm understanding and rational and funny and I do a pretty stupendous job of just being a friend. People who don't like me are the ones with the problems, not me, and i have no business being upset about them.
3-Not everyone will like me. Period. It's not my responsibility to MAKE them like me. Thats okay, too, because I have these amazing friends that are infinitely more important than the people who choose to not be in my life.
4-See 2. No reason to be a paranoid little piece of crap. :)
5-People aren't just going to straight up lie to me repeatedly. I need to take a step back from the mirror and stop being so critical. I'm a pretty decent looking girl, and I know it.
6-Why on earth should I feel like I don't deserve something? I deserve to get whatever it is I want just as much as the next person. I belong the places I go and I have every right to act like myself when I go there. Hmph.
7-okay this one isn't going to change (see: stubborn)
8-Fear is for pansies. moving on.
9-I'm not faking the amazing. it's just a part of me.
10-People have always loved me despite the crazy, and that isn't going to change.

NOW. i feel better. A lot better. and all that business last night was just me being whiney and annoying and the type of girl that I never want to be. I like being happy, and laughing, and being a dork. I am a HUGE dork. here's a few side notes to make you people remember just how ridiculous I can be, when i really am being just me:
>I am currently wearing transformers band-aids on my feet because my shoes are evil. I made sure to keep the autobots on my left foot and the decepticons on my right to avoid a battle while I walk.
>I make lists of everything. see: my blogs. ha.
>I've read upwards of 5,000 pages of "personal" reading (as opposed to school books) since November. If you throw in school it comes close to 6,500. And I'm just starting a new book tonight. :)
>I like science fiction and fantasy everything... I tend to not talk to people about this, and I'm not sure why. Mitchell--I see you noted liking vampires before everyone else. I do not know why we never discussed them previous to Twilight. Probably because the people I would bring them up to stared funny and wrinkled their noses at me. whatever. i'd love to live their life.
>I'm still best friends with people i've known since birth, people from elementary school, and beyond. It's cool to know people that have seen you through every awkward stage of your life and stil want to hang out.
>I still sleep with a donald duck people person. I've done this since I was two. The same one. Both hands, both feet, and his hat have all fallen off at least once. His hat is missing, I never found it. There are scars all over him where we had to give him stitches when i beat him up in my sleep. And yes, i hold hands with him when I'm just about ready to pass out. suck it, he's a good cuddler.

there. all better. sheesh. if you read all that you either really love me or are SUPER bored. either way, I'm very impressed.

so, you want to get to know the real me?

Then there are about 10 different important things to note, and i'm definitely pointing out the negative.
1-I am generally very happy, but have moments of pure unadulterated misery.
2-I wouldn't lie about how much i care about a person. and if we've met, I care about you. a lot. but i'm always concerned that its not mutual.
3-I love people in general, but I have a serious problem with anxiety when I meet someone new. I've got this crazy notion that I MUST be loved by everyone, which I know is completely unreasonable. It gets to the point where I just don't meet new people. It terrifies me.
4-I am very happy with who I am as a person, but lately i've been having a problem accepting that people like me. I know I'm worth loving, but its a matter of remembering this on a daily basis.
5-I'm pretty sure what I see in the mirror is completely and absolutely different from what other people see. That or people lie to me constantly.
6-I have an inferiority complex. a serious inferiority complex.
7-I am stubborn as an ox. a huge, filthy, angry ox. and i like staying home on weekends and reading to my heart's content.
8-I actually DO want to get out there and laugh and have fun and meet new people. I really truly honestly do. i'm just afraid, and I'm letting that get the best of me.
9-I want people to see me and think i'm this amazing person. I feel like i'm always faking it when they do, though.
10-I want desperately to change these complexes. and i'm concerned that putting this information out in the world is going to make people see that i'm not what they thought i was, and will then second guess their feelings toward me. this angers me, because i'm always true to myself. always. i pride myself on that...and i'm not putting on an act when i am happy and laughing and carefree...but this little part of me that i let escape long enough to write this note is always hanging around, waiting for someone to say something that will set it off. it just so happens that someone made one of those comments tonight, and i felt the need to actually express this stupid bottled up bit of emotion that runs through my veins and let it bleed out in blog form, as cheesy as that is. Its been a long day...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The first of many, I'm sure

I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little weird reading all of these people's blogs without actually having one of my own that I updated. It's like i was hiding behind the curtain at a party taking in everything going on out there, but not participating whatsoever. I think life is more fun if you at least step a foot out from the curtain and trip some people...or, like me now, just throw the curtain off completely and join in the fun. Currently, I'm avoiding reading the next chapter for my accounting class tomorrow. I'll get it done, no doubt about that, but just not right now.
So let's see, what is my life like right now...
>My roommates are absolutely out of their minds, each in their own way. Its awesome. A little stressful sometimes...but awesome.
>I have some really awesome friends who do cool things like give me free tickets to see a screening of a movie i've been wanting to see that isn't in theaters until March. Thank you, Nathan. We saw "I Love You, Man" was hilarious, completely ridiculous, and totally my kind of comedy. Good times.
>I'm taking these classes that are major brain crushers. There isn't a day I go to class and don't come back thinking "Whoa...I need to start studying again." Mainly because I don't realize how much i DON'T know until the professor points it out to me. Daily.
>I'm really upset it's so warm out now. I want the cold back. I like needing the heater on in the evenings to avoid shaking in my own house. I don't know why I'm in San Diego...haha

I'm sure there is more that can be said about my life right now, but i feel like I've begun to bore the snot out of you people. Who knows.

Love and gummi bears :)