Thursday, June 25, 2009

so far gone

I haven't blogged in a while, not because there was nothing to say but because I haven't found the means by which to say it. I live in a hostile environment, but this is no war zone. I have been sitting here struggling because one person who used to be such a big part of my life has completely frozen me out, and made it her mission to keep me unhappy.
One person.
Seriously, one person. I cannot say it enough times. The fact that one single person can make me feel so insignificant, like I don't deserve to be happy anymore, like I can't leave my room for fear that I will make her upset...this is unhealthy. And yet, its really all in my head. I have no reason to feel that way because deep within myself I know, with complete certainty, that I have not done anything wrong. I have handled myself with dignity and with kindness, and I have never done anything to cause this hostility. And yet, I complain. I feel so spoiled that the only thing I have to complain about is a petty person targeting me. This is nothing.
I'm struggling with kindness though. I want to just...not care. To smile at her anyway, to tell her hello and ask with sincerity how her day has been, because really, I want her to be happy. I'm not just saying that either. I see no reason for her not to be completely happy with her life, and to be kind herself. It just doesn't happen. I'm not sure why.
I struggle with kindness because my sense of justice is overwhelming. I want to let her tell me to never touch her things and to stay away from her friends and to never speak to her again, yet tell her to go ahead, be friends with whoever, yes, use my things if you need them, yes...let me help you and do your dishes since you're busy. I sincerely want to do that with a kind and happy heart and not feel this underlying resentment that no matter how much kindness is shown it will not be reciprocated. Its selfish to expect things from her...yet she expects everything from me. I want things to be equal, an eye for an eye, but at the same time I want to show her that I DO still sincerely care about her and I will do things for her to help her be happy.
My mind is being torn in two and stretched all over the place and I've talked myself in circles.
A few more weeks, and hopefully it will subside. However, any chance of reviving something that used to be fantastic will be gone. I don't know if I care to revive it at this point...yet I still want to try.