but i'm not exactly sure why. sometimes i just have those nights where I'm hard on myself. This morning came with a clearer view of actuality. It feels nice. I wish I could use the day to go out and just be happy and goof around, but I've got this killer midterm coming up on tuesday that I'm pretty sure will be excruciatingly painful. So I must prepare. Starting when I finish typing this. But first: here are the reasons the "real me" is stupid, and the actual way i live and think is so much better the 95% of the time it's present.
1-the misery thing, it happens. to everyone. frequently.
2-people SHOULD like me. I go out of my way for friends and will absolutely be there for them as well as i possibly can when they need me. I'm understanding and rational and funny and I do a pretty stupendous job of just being a friend. People who don't like me are the ones with the problems, not me, and i have no business being upset about them.
3-Not everyone will like me. Period. It's not my responsibility to MAKE them like me. Thats okay, too, because I have these amazing friends that are infinitely more important than the people who choose to not be in my life.
4-See 2. No reason to be a paranoid little piece of crap. :)
5-People aren't just going to straight up lie to me repeatedly. I need to take a step back from the mirror and stop being so critical. I'm a pretty decent looking girl, and I know it.
6-Why on earth should I feel like I don't deserve something? I deserve to get whatever it is I want just as much as the next person. I belong the places I go and I have every right to act like myself when I go there. Hmph.
7-okay this one isn't going to change (see: stubborn)
8-Fear is for pansies. moving on.
9-I'm not faking the amazing. it's just a part of me.
10-People have always loved me despite the crazy, and that isn't going to change.
NOW. i feel better. A lot better. and all that business last night was just me being whiney and annoying and the type of girl that I never want to be. I like being happy, and laughing, and being a dork. I am a HUGE dork. here's a few side notes to make you people remember just how ridiculous I can be, when i really am being just me:
>I am currently wearing transformers band-aids on my feet because my shoes are evil. I made sure to keep the autobots on my left foot and the decepticons on my right to avoid a battle while I walk.
>I make lists of everything. see: my blogs. ha.
>I've read upwards of 5,000 pages of "personal" reading (as opposed to school books) since November. If you throw in school it comes close to 6,500. And I'm just starting a new book tonight. :)
>I like science fiction and fantasy everything... I tend to not talk to people about this, and I'm not sure why. Mitchell--I see you noted liking vampires before everyone else. I do not know why we never discussed them previous to Twilight. Probably because the people I would bring them up to stared funny and wrinkled their noses at me. whatever. i'd love to live their life.
>I'm still best friends with people i've known since birth, people from elementary school, and beyond. It's cool to know people that have seen you through every awkward stage of your life and stil want to hang out.
>I still sleep with a donald duck people person. I've done this since I was two. The same one. Both hands, both feet, and his hat have all fallen off at least once. His hat is missing, I never found it. There are scars all over him where we had to give him stitches when i beat him up in my sleep. And yes, i hold hands with him when I'm just about ready to pass out. suck it, he's a good cuddler.
there. all better. sheesh. if you read all that you either really love me or are SUPER bored. either way, I'm very impressed.