Friday, February 6, 2009

so, you want to get to know the real me?

Then there are about 10 different important things to note, and i'm definitely pointing out the negative.
1-I am generally very happy, but have moments of pure unadulterated misery.
2-I wouldn't lie about how much i care about a person. and if we've met, I care about you. a lot. but i'm always concerned that its not mutual.
3-I love people in general, but I have a serious problem with anxiety when I meet someone new. I've got this crazy notion that I MUST be loved by everyone, which I know is completely unreasonable. It gets to the point where I just don't meet new people. It terrifies me.
4-I am very happy with who I am as a person, but lately i've been having a problem accepting that people like me. I know I'm worth loving, but its a matter of remembering this on a daily basis.
5-I'm pretty sure what I see in the mirror is completely and absolutely different from what other people see. That or people lie to me constantly.
6-I have an inferiority complex. a serious inferiority complex.
7-I am stubborn as an ox. a huge, filthy, angry ox. and i like staying home on weekends and reading to my heart's content.
8-I actually DO want to get out there and laugh and have fun and meet new people. I really truly honestly do. i'm just afraid, and I'm letting that get the best of me.
9-I want people to see me and think i'm this amazing person. I feel like i'm always faking it when they do, though.
10-I want desperately to change these complexes. and i'm concerned that putting this information out in the world is going to make people see that i'm not what they thought i was, and will then second guess their feelings toward me. this angers me, because i'm always true to myself. always. i pride myself on that...and i'm not putting on an act when i am happy and laughing and carefree...but this little part of me that i let escape long enough to write this note is always hanging around, waiting for someone to say something that will set it off. it just so happens that someone made one of those comments tonight, and i felt the need to actually express this stupid bottled up bit of emotion that runs through my veins and let it bleed out in blog form, as cheesy as that is. Its been a long day...

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