Tuesday, February 24, 2009

my life: a reimagining.

lately there has been a huge amount of stress in my life. none of it was necessary, but it was something that had to be dealt with. it was tough, left me pulling out my hair trying to find a solution to problems that i had absolutely no control over. then it hit me: i have absolutely no control over it. i need to do whatever it is i need to do to make myself happy, and do what IS within my control to help my friends along. because no matter how stressed out they make me i will always love them and therefore always ALWAYS be there for them to the best of my ability. The past two days have been blissful for my poor little brain. taking a step back from things has made me completely at peace. i'm getting along with everyone as far as i know, and i was even smiling in the middle of a lecture today. for no reason. just because i felt like smiling. i feel like its a good look for me. another big change in my life: i have all of these lovely friends in my life that i rarely see anymore. i need to reach out to them and go spend time reveling in just how awesome and funny and great they all are. so thats what i'm going to do. i'm going to go out and enjoy myself and not feel like i'm leaving someone out just because i'm getting to know someone new. aside from the insane amount of my life that must be dedicated to studying, i would love to quite the lazy attitude and just get out and get to know people...because i LOVE people, but i've gotten to where they intimidate me. thats not a place that an extrovert should be. this will change. soon.

Friday, February 20, 2009

this amused me...fill it out for yourself :)

If you've been tagged, tell everyone what your names would be!

1.YOUR REAL NAME: --Courtney Kresge
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)--Sue William
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)--Shelby George
4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)--Krecu
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)--Blue Manatee
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)--Denon Ojai
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)--The Silver Shirley Temple :)
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)--Cuge
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)--Cakebatter Chocolate Chip.
10.ROCK STAR NAME:(current pets name, current street name)--None Pontiac
11.YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle)--Couizzle
12.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)--Black Oreo (whaat?)

Friday, February 13, 2009

why hello, world.

It's so nice to see you this late at night. It's been a while. Well, a week at least. I've just returned from the gym and have that awesome little workout high...I love it. However, because of that sleep seems to be in the distant future for me...Such is life.
This week started out being so painfully stressful, but just keeps getting better as it goes along. Ready for the recap? Thats what i thought.
Monday: woke up, and it was pouring. My parking pass happened to be in...not my car. So i got to walk to class in a downpour. I stepped off the curb straight into a puddle. Let me tell you, a 3 hour long accounting lecture is miserable enough, but add in a wet sock and it's straight torture. I spent the rest of that day studying like a crazy person for my midterm the following night.
Tuesday: Went to class, but didn't hear a single thing the professors were saying because I was nose deep in my accounting notes, stressing like crazy about the midterm at 7 that night. 7 came along, and I took the test, and did NOT feel good about it. In fact, I was beating myself up over the idea that I didn't study hard enough or something.
Wednesday: Actg prof told us that the class average on the midterm was 58%. Freaked me out. Came home to see my score posted online, and took a quadruple check. I definitely set the curve for the class. Not gonna lie, I can't even control how proud of myself I am. And I'm not trying to brag, I'm just excited. I haven't done that in much too long.
Thursday (todayyyy): Class went spectacularily smoothly. Pop quiz in marketing was simple, unlike last time. Had a few exciting moments, and was told how to get bonus points on the quiz I didn't do well on. Must figure out how to make myself not awkward haha. Came home, cleaned, napped, then...of course...like all Thursdays--The Office and 30 Rock were on. Amazing. Then Gym, and it hurts so good.
Now I'm wired, and I blame crystal. :)
Oh, and tomorrow, Jimmie and Daniel are coming to visit. That keeps me pretty crazily happy.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i have an affinity for cute little things.

It's an incurable feeling of utter joy that overwhelms me when something cute appears. I squeal. I giggle. I beg for one of my own. I think this may be the girliest thing about me. That or the fact that I have a disgustingly strong love for bows. (on my first attempt, i typed boys. ha, hello subconscious). Back to the issue: cute things. I want a bunny again. So much. I would love nothing more than to have a little bun bun hopping and flopping around my living room while I do homework, so that I can tell it it's a dork and have it shake it's little cotton ball tail at me in agreement...(Because we all know that all bunnies are dorks. They know it too.) This time, I will potty train her, and teach her to feed and clean herself...I'm so not cut out for the whole caring for the little cute thing thing. I'd be much better at just giving it endless affection and laughing at it while letting someone else do the dirty work. How sad is that?!
On a very different note, lately commercials have been stuck in my head endlessly. Because of GE I was singing the wizard of oz songs for about an hour yesterday. Right now=Heigh Ho. Thank you, tv, for making me want to watch movies from my childhood. :)
I'm looking forward to tomorrow, despite a three hour long lecture with my least favorite professor of all time...eh, it's just three hours.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

last night was a rough night

but i'm not exactly sure why. sometimes i just have those nights where I'm hard on myself. This morning came with a clearer view of actuality. It feels nice. I wish I could use the day to go out and just be happy and goof around, but I've got this killer midterm coming up on tuesday that I'm pretty sure will be excruciatingly painful. So I must prepare. Starting when I finish typing this. But first: here are the reasons the "real me" is stupid, and the actual way i live and think is so much better the 95% of the time it's present.
1-the misery thing, it happens. to everyone. frequently.
2-people SHOULD like me. I go out of my way for friends and will absolutely be there for them as well as i possibly can when they need me. I'm understanding and rational and funny and I do a pretty stupendous job of just being a friend. People who don't like me are the ones with the problems, not me, and i have no business being upset about them.
3-Not everyone will like me. Period. It's not my responsibility to MAKE them like me. Thats okay, too, because I have these amazing friends that are infinitely more important than the people who choose to not be in my life.
4-See 2. No reason to be a paranoid little piece of crap. :)
5-People aren't just going to straight up lie to me repeatedly. I need to take a step back from the mirror and stop being so critical. I'm a pretty decent looking girl, and I know it.
6-Why on earth should I feel like I don't deserve something? I deserve to get whatever it is I want just as much as the next person. I belong the places I go and I have every right to act like myself when I go there. Hmph.
7-okay this one isn't going to change (see: stubborn)
8-Fear is for pansies. moving on.
9-I'm not faking the amazing. it's just a part of me.
10-People have always loved me despite the crazy, and that isn't going to change.

NOW. i feel better. A lot better. and all that business last night was just me being whiney and annoying and the type of girl that I never want to be. I like being happy, and laughing, and being a dork. I am a HUGE dork. here's a few side notes to make you people remember just how ridiculous I can be, when i really am being just me:
>I am currently wearing transformers band-aids on my feet because my shoes are evil. I made sure to keep the autobots on my left foot and the decepticons on my right to avoid a battle while I walk.
>I make lists of everything. see: my blogs. ha.
>I've read upwards of 5,000 pages of "personal" reading (as opposed to school books) since November. If you throw in school it comes close to 6,500. And I'm just starting a new book tonight. :)
>I like science fiction and fantasy everything... I tend to not talk to people about this, and I'm not sure why. Mitchell--I see you noted liking vampires before everyone else. I do not know why we never discussed them previous to Twilight. Probably because the people I would bring them up to stared funny and wrinkled their noses at me. whatever. i'd love to live their life.
>I'm still best friends with people i've known since birth, people from elementary school, and beyond. It's cool to know people that have seen you through every awkward stage of your life and stil want to hang out.
>I still sleep with a donald duck people person. I've done this since I was two. The same one. Both hands, both feet, and his hat have all fallen off at least once. His hat is missing, I never found it. There are scars all over him where we had to give him stitches when i beat him up in my sleep. And yes, i hold hands with him when I'm just about ready to pass out. suck it, he's a good cuddler.

there. all better. sheesh. if you read all that you either really love me or are SUPER bored. either way, I'm very impressed.

so, you want to get to know the real me?

Then there are about 10 different important things to note, and i'm definitely pointing out the negative.
1-I am generally very happy, but have moments of pure unadulterated misery.
2-I wouldn't lie about how much i care about a person. and if we've met, I care about you. a lot. but i'm always concerned that its not mutual.
3-I love people in general, but I have a serious problem with anxiety when I meet someone new. I've got this crazy notion that I MUST be loved by everyone, which I know is completely unreasonable. It gets to the point where I just don't meet new people. It terrifies me.
4-I am very happy with who I am as a person, but lately i've been having a problem accepting that people like me. I know I'm worth loving, but its a matter of remembering this on a daily basis.
5-I'm pretty sure what I see in the mirror is completely and absolutely different from what other people see. That or people lie to me constantly.
6-I have an inferiority complex. a serious inferiority complex.
7-I am stubborn as an ox. a huge, filthy, angry ox. and i like staying home on weekends and reading to my heart's content.
8-I actually DO want to get out there and laugh and have fun and meet new people. I really truly honestly do. i'm just afraid, and I'm letting that get the best of me.
9-I want people to see me and think i'm this amazing person. I feel like i'm always faking it when they do, though.
10-I want desperately to change these complexes. and i'm concerned that putting this information out in the world is going to make people see that i'm not what they thought i was, and will then second guess their feelings toward me. this angers me, because i'm always true to myself. always. i pride myself on that...and i'm not putting on an act when i am happy and laughing and carefree...but this little part of me that i let escape long enough to write this note is always hanging around, waiting for someone to say something that will set it off. it just so happens that someone made one of those comments tonight, and i felt the need to actually express this stupid bottled up bit of emotion that runs through my veins and let it bleed out in blog form, as cheesy as that is. Its been a long day...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The first of many, I'm sure

I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little weird reading all of these people's blogs without actually having one of my own that I updated. It's like i was hiding behind the curtain at a party taking in everything going on out there, but not participating whatsoever. I think life is more fun if you at least step a foot out from the curtain and trip some people...or, like me now, just throw the curtain off completely and join in the fun. Currently, I'm avoiding reading the next chapter for my accounting class tomorrow. I'll get it done, no doubt about that, but just not right now.
So let's see, what is my life like right now...
>My roommates are absolutely out of their minds, each in their own way. Its awesome. A little stressful sometimes...but awesome.
>I have some really awesome friends who do cool things like give me free tickets to see a screening of a movie i've been wanting to see that isn't in theaters until March. Thank you, Nathan. We saw "I Love You, Man"...it was hilarious, completely ridiculous, and totally my kind of comedy. Good times.
>I'm taking these classes that are major brain crushers. There isn't a day I go to class and don't come back thinking "Whoa...I need to start studying again." Mainly because I don't realize how much i DON'T know until the professor points it out to me. Daily.
>I'm really upset it's so warm out now. I want the cold back. I like needing the heater on in the evenings to avoid shaking in my own house. I don't know why I'm in San Diego...haha

I'm sure there is more that can be said about my life right now, but i feel like I've begun to bore the snot out of you people. Who knows.

Love and gummi bears :)